Here’s where I get really excited! Much of my mental illness journey has been difficult, confusing, scary, crazy, and feeling like I can’t be open and honest with people about this part of my life has been just so hard because I like to know others and them to know me in an authentic way. While this illness has been tough, I also feel like it has been a gift, opening a door to a new world for me, this world of spiritual connection. Ironically, I feel like I can’t really talk with other people about this part of me either! Those who know my history will just think I’m having another psychotic episode, and those who don’t know about my history will just think I’m weird or crazy anyway.
I’ve still not gotten to a place where I feel I fully understand why I thought I was Jesus, or Eve, or Mother Mary. It has occurred to me that I was channeling them but not able to separate out what was me and what was the spirit coming through. I know it sounds “out there” but I know now this actually happens. The other thought I had is that I’m somehow connecting with the greater “consciousness,” and these are such strong and powerful figures that I could feel them. And, there still is that piece of me, the one that I typically don’t tell people about, that feels like I did make a direct connection with God, and felt like I was truly his child. Sometimes I feel like this is a big puzzle for me to solve and I REALLY wish I knew, and at other times, I just try to trust the universe and see it as a gift that has been given to me to bring me to a place where I can be more myself, moving more in line with my purpose here on earth.
I remember when I attended church way back, I would hear the pastor talk about getting a call to move to a new church, or that they had been called to come to the church where I was. I didn’t really get it until more recently, this idea of “calling.”
“Am I a fool, at this late date, to heed a voice that says, ‘You can be great.’ I heard it when I was young, now I hear it again. It says you can be better than you’ve ever been.”
~ John Gorka, singer/songwriter
So part of what we’ll call my illness is that I feel like music speaks to me. Again, comes the line between normal and crazy. I think most people feel like music moves them in some way, makes them joyful, sometimes sad, or at moments, simply thoughtful and reflective about life and our world. I certainly have that feeling, but it goes deeper than that for me. I feel like this is one of the ways God (or maybe my angels and guides…I’ll talk more about them later) talks to me and gives me messages.
This song speaks to me, as many do. I feel like I’m meant to do more in this life…something important and with purpose, to help others. My husband reminds me that being a wife to him and mother to my son is an important purpose. And, while I feel that is very true and so very meaningful and important in my life, I feel like that is not all I’m meant to do. This is where I’m not sure if it is the grandiosity that comes with Bipolar Mania, or perhaps a true spiritual calling. Not in the sense that I am “special” in any way, but just that I believe we each have a soul purpose for being on this earth, and my job is to make sure I’m fulfilling mine. For some folks, being a loving wife and mother may fulfill this purpose, and there is certainly not a thing wrong with that. It just doesn’t feel complete for me. I like to think of us people as a little bit like flowers. Roses, lilies, hydrangeas, peonies, lilacs, tulips, delphiniums, carnations…I could go on and on. Each one is incredibly special and has its own unique characteristics that we love, perhaps the color, the fragrance, the shape, maybe a treasured memory tied to them. As flowers, they don’t strive to be anything but what they were meant to be, and they don’t compare themselves to other flowers, wishing that they could be different. They just are what they are, as they were intended.
The funny thing is, I feel like a have a pretty great life. Pretty simple, mostly, but one I am truly grateful for. I have a husband who I love dearly for his many wonderful traits…and no, I don’t idealize him to perfection as certainly there are days where his flaws can drive me bonkers. But, in the grand scheme of things, I love him, trust him, respect him, feel supported by him, and of course, he makes me laugh…a key factor I think to a happy marriage…joy. We, are more days than not, joyful together. A great source of our joy is our son, Aidan. I could go on for days about how much I love him and why, but let’s just keep it short here and say I feel like with him, I have been given the most beautiful bouquet of flowers, one that I could never have even imagined could be so special!
So, I feel like the wife and mother part of my soul’s purpose are on track, it’s just the other parts I’m still trying to sort out. I do know when I am practicing these ways of connecting to the divine that I’ll talk more about later, I feel like I’m getting closer. I’m so excited when I’m surrounded by others who are doing this kind of work, connecting directly and teaching others how to do the same. It’s this deep yearning to understand more. I hope the following pages that describe my journey into the many realms of the spirit world will be helpful to you, as they have been tremendously helpful to me.
